A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
