The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
