i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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