dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize