apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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