Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
