I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
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