There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
