And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
