Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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