I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
