i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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