youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
