if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize