So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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