I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
