i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
