I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
