just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
