Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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