i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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