I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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