We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I need a beard to bite.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
