I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
