Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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