Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
