Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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