The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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