I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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