I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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