ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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