i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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