I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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