i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
