Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
