I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
