Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
