I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
