There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
