im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
