remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
