Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
