Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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