I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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