you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
