if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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