i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
