SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
