Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You can't just leave with hair like that
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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