as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
