What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
