wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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