I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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