Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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