Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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