just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
