so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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