You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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