i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm like, not good at living.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
