Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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