Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
