your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize