i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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